Had my therapy that made me weak. I have been experiencing unbearable pains lately but I hope I will be okay so soon. Barely 12 days left before my so called–”much awaited event”…oh yeah, barely 7 days left and I’ll be spending quality time again with my family back home.

And here’s how I’m gonna spend it…(bitin nga lang… sigh)

FEB. 28 (Day 1)– Arrive at Clark Airport @ 4:50 am. Will reach Dagupan @10am. Maybe get some rest for few hours and dinner with the whole family  at George’s Place ( a new garden restaurant in Dagupan…they have the best sizzling beef steak and best blueberry cheesecake in town).

March 1 (Day2)–Will attend Sunday Service at Faith Fellowship in the afternoon and dinner and videoke  with Mark, Bjay, Mike, Tita Josie, Mau and the rest of my family at Star Plaza Hotel.

March 2 (Day 3)–Sleep over @ Millora…

March 3 (Day 4)–Visit Papa’s Place…bonding with my siblings…Dinner @ Matutina’s with family again….

March 4(Day 5)–REST. REST. REST…

March 5(Day 6)–Family Gathering…Mama’s FIRST DEATH ANNIV…Big sigh… Ate Magi is coming over….

March 6(Day 7)–No plans yet…spend quality  time with Ate Magi…

March 7(Day 8)–QUALITY TIME WITH FAMILY…(meet some special friends)

March 8(Day 9)–Bye Bye Phils…

I love the thought that I’m gonna see my loved ones very soon but I hate the idea that I am going home for Mom’s first Death Anniversary. I miss her so much and I must admit, there’s still this longing in me to be hugged by her again. I just really miss her so much. I miss the times when I’d see her standing by the door whenever I reach home. I miss hugging her, too.

My laptop had a big scratch…and I hate seeing it. Kenneth just dropped his toy gun on my laptop and that was where my laptop got its first big scratch. (SIGH…)

Kenneth is a very playful kid…and I easily get irritated now…. I am trying my very best though not to ran out of patience. He is a very active little boy. I like him when he is behaved though. He is sweet but really playful..

I received a boquet of flowers from an officemate anda text which says, ” Can you be my prayer partner? Happy Valentine” text from a churchmate…(dito ako kinilig–hehehe!).

I can’t wait to see my baby Carmela who is also very excited to see me again…

I would be happier if  my Mommy Judy will be there,too…   I miss her so much …and I don’t even know when will I see her again.

Yesterday was very fruitful for me. I spent the day reading the book ” Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life” by Donald S. Whitney. I haven’t finished it though but I am amazed by how he wrote the book and anybody who reads this will surely love it. I bought a study guide too which I can use as  a tool when I start discipling after my training program.  I was supposed to have a lunch with a friend yesterday but I cancelled it because I was too engrossed with what I was reading.  I am so excited to start Discipleship Training Course tomorrow…

Today’s Wednesday and I have nothing to do. I don’t want to do another spiritual feeding of myself for this whole day because I should learn how to digest it first before I get into another feeding. Jo gave me a ring asking me if I can join her @ Orchard to free herself from thinking too much(because Lao, her boyfriend just left for Philippines for good this morning–effect of recession…sigh…), I wanted to, but my aunt told me to just rest before another fainting happens. Yeah, I guess I need to get enough rest before I start work again next Monday.

I haven’t been eating “REAL foods” since Toni left. I am usually left alone here at home or it’s either my aunt is here sleeping in her room. All I had for brunch @ 10am today was a cheeseburger from Mc Do (which I didn’t really like bec I am not a burger lover) and  milk tea. I had a sizzling Saba Set for dinner  from a Korean Resto last night courtesy of Auntie Von.

I will be at Sophia’s Place tomorrow for a Chinese New Year Celebration with the whole team and I am attending the Discipleship Program in the afternoon. Tomorrow will be a busy day and I hope I wont’ get really exhausted. I don’t wanna faint again infront of madlang people..kakahiya! Hehehe.

Toni’s coming back to file her resignation letter. She finally decided to stay with her son in the Phils after she resigns from the office. I will surely miss her. Good thing she’s not under contract so she has the freedom to just leave whenever she wants.  She’s been my closest friend here in Singapore. She cooks for us. I remember one time when I told her, “nakakahiya naman panay ang silbi mo sa akin…” and she said with a smile… “it’s a pleasure serving you…”  Rare do we find people whom we can really be so close with especially when you stay in one roof. It was not a smooth-sailing one for both of us,we have our mood swings but we made sure that after those “sumpongs”, we can just look back and smile at our katarayans. I don’t talk to her all the time. When I don’t talk, she understands, when she doesn’t talk,  I understand. I was touched when she said from out of the blue “minsan lang ako nakahanap ng kaibigang tulad mo,ung tipong alam mong hindi mo lang kaibigan, parang totoong kapatid na…”…(ang drama di ba?)  Toni has a very strong personality and the first time you meet her, you would surely hate her, that’s why people from the office would always ask me, “ok lang na housemate c Toni?”…I would answer them with a big OF COURSE! Another separation anxiety when she leaves me for good…sigh!!! But I’ll get by, besides, I will be busy with my ministry in the next few months. I will really miss her,though.

I have commited myself for a part -time pastoral job once a week, and that’s every Sunday but I have a training to attend every Thursday after work. Mom always wants me to be active in church. She wanted me to minster to people. Commiting myself to the Discipleship Program was never an accident. It was again, part of God’s  Plan. I never attended any service at New Generation Church (though I was aware that Aaron attends church services there). Aaron is a friend and a colleague of mine. He took my post while I was on leave. He never invited me for a service because he is aware that I am a member of “JESUS IS LORD FELLOWSHIP-SINGAPORE CHAPTER” and an attendee of CITY HARVEST as well. Last Thursday, I just felt something and wanted to attend service in their church…and yes, I got an answer to my earnest prayer…the preaching was something for me…to cut the story short, the pastor even asked me to stay after the service. We talked. We prayed. Who can ever expect this to happen? I didn’t plan to attend the service nor does the pastor know that I am attending the service, but he said, he felt that his preaching was for somebody and that happened to be ME.  I can’t wait to serve God in the way that I can. When I closed my eyes for a Prayer of Confirmation, what I saw was an image of my mom’s smiling face. I bursted in tears then…I knew it was my mom’s earnest desire  to see me of service to God.

Weird as it may seem, but I am having a dinner with Vicky and Paul tonight. It’s a MUST for me to do before I start with the Discipleship Program, I must admit, in my thoughts, I have commited a sin, and it is in the Bible –Mark 10:11-12 11 He said to them, ““Whoever divorces his wife, and marries another, commits adultery against her.12 If a woman herself divorces her husband, and marries another, she commits adultery.”… I was guilt stricken with this verse– 1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it..”… Truly, God uses situations in our lives to make us stronger and be a better person.  It took me a day to think and decide whether or not to call Vicky and tell her that I want to talk to her and have a dinner with her and Paul. Weird, right? But truly, GOD is so good.  She was almost raising her voice when I mentioned my name, but in the end, she said, OK. At first, I thought of not doing this, I was not even asked to do it, but God spoke to me in my Prayer Time and I just felt that I have to do it. This is the time when I know THIS IS THE END OF IT ALL. I find it so impossible, but a thought of Paul doesn’t bring me even into a single tear now. I am confident that when I see them tonight, I am healed by my GOD who never left my side. I feel lighter now. I have set my goals for this year and I confess that this year will be one of the best years for me. I really hope and pray that God will use me mightily, may it be touching other’s lives or just simply using me as an instrument for HIS glory!

I will never be ashame that once in my life I have sinned and fell short of His glory, I will be more than proud that I failed once, bruised several times, almost died once, lost my faith in Him…what is important now is that, I am standing here now…renewed–refreshed–and willing to start a battle that He has already won.

Oh well, I can’t wait to go home,too…

I miss Carmela…and I’m seeing her again.

I miss my second mom..and I pray we’ll see each other this year–God willing!

I miss Ate Magi,too…and I am seeing her when I go home.

I miss everybody back home….exactly 30 days left and I’m seeing them na!  Can’t wait!!!

I have been trying to post a really long blog since the nite I got God’s Message for me when I attended the Midweek Service @ New Generation Church but  I can’t post it until Sunday afternoon. I need a confirmation and I am still fervently praying for it.

I was feeling down since Monday, work was really exhausting and I am not enjoying it anymore. I am just blessed that I have nice colleagues who were always there for me. I am so blessed to have good friends like Terence, Rozaini, Aaron,Mommy Linda, Sophia,Sheryll and Sulaiman…these are locals who are so supportive of me. Terrence and Rozaini are 2 good friends who would  always ask me, “you okay ah?”… They give me a hug at anytime without malice…they’re my li’l brothers. I am also of course inspired by my Filipino colleagues like Jo, Cherry, Toni, Mommy Leonette, Ana, Mel, Jen, Sheng and CJ…without them, I might have really given-up my job.

After a week of stress, we are having a week shutdown, from January-24-Febraury 1.

I had a real-tiring day yesterday. I had lunch with Auntit Von @ East Link. She was really tired from work ‘coz she has been taking night shifts lately but since she saw me sso depress, she said “OK” when I ask her if we could have lunch together at my favorite resto. We had a real serious talk about my plans, her plans.  We talked about Paul,too. It was such a great feeling to open up your heart to someone who you think will not understand you but in the end, she understood.

We’re having a Chinese New Year Dinner @ Bedok tonight, from 7-10pm. Auntie Von’s In-Laws invited us for dinner. Toni is also leaving for Philippines tonight @ 11pm and the sad thing is, she has plans of not coming back anymore. The last few days have been really so hard for me but I am getting by. I will surely miss Toni…

Tomorrow’s Monday and I will be left alone here with nothing to do! I hate it! Auntie Vons’ working night shift. Macky is in Malaysia for a holiday…

I have a lunch date on Tues with a friend.

I can’t wait to post my real long blog.

I guess, I am feeling better now…but I am just missing someone I used to talk to almost everyday…someone I used to chat with..someone I have opend my heart to…someone I have learned to love like a mom. I don’t know…”Too much familiarity breeds contempt”—again?!?!?! I hope not! I have been wanting to text her..or send chat messages, but I decided not to…I might disturb her again! I’ll get used to it…I know!

It’s the 5th of January…been wanting to write a blog for the past 2 days but I just can’t start with it.

I am not at all in the mood to write  but a lot of things are swimming in my head and I am actually trying to see if I can organize them by pouring some in here.

I feel so empty inside. I can’t explain how I feel…

I am in pain right now, it doesn’t hurt as  did before but I can still feel a not-so-intense pain inside that I can just close my eyes and convince myself that I’m gonna feel better after a dose of my pain reliever. I am looking forward to a HAPPY 2009.  I am looking for a better year…I want to recover from my illness…and realize my dreams. I want to be happy…I guess I deserve to be.

I got also upset when I heard about what happened to my uncle…I hope he recovers soon.

I miss my mama so much. I don’t feel comfortable sharing with anybody of how I feel right now. Well, maybe I just don’t wanna ruin anybody’s start of  what I wish is a HAPPY 2009. Oh well, I want this year tobe happy.

I am also saddened by a lost friendship. A friendship I held for years.  This person has been part of my life for the past 16 years. She was not only my bestfriend, she was a sister and a mom to me. I spent almost half of my life with her. We have been through a lot. We shared each other’s joys and pains. She treated me like her real daughter. I miss those good old times…I miss her hugs. I miss the times when I’d just rest on her shoulder…well, we had countless times together…but things are different now and I can’t begin to explain why an ALMOST PERFECT FRIENDSHIP turned out to be….( I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT)…I don’t want to turn my back but I was forced to. It’s sad…but I will forever be grateful that once in my life, God has blessed me with a person who was there to guide me, love me and care for me. I owe her a part of what I am now.

I know, time changes everything,  perhaps in time, I will  lose the friends that I have made and _______ being replaced by someone else as the most special person in my life.

I can’t begin to explain the longing I feel whenever I get a thought of those people I want to be with at the very moment.  I am a real emotional thrash right now.

I seem to be always staring at blinking cursors for the past few hours . As i cup  my face with my two hands, I tried to focus on feeling what my heart is feeling. Trying to find what is bottled up inside and see if I could shake it now and burst it so I can make room for better emotions.

NEVERTHELESS, I AM WISHING AN DHOPING FOR A HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY 2009!!!

I can’t wait for 2009  to kick in…2008 has been full of bad memories…full of pains…and I can’t help but wish that 2009 will be a better year for me. When 2009 kicks in, I’ll make sure I don’t have to look back to 2008. There are some good memories to keep though, and I am keeping those good memories locked in my heart.

Who wouldn’t wish for a better year after a year of  loving and letting go, after losing those whom you loved so dearly in your heart, after going through so much emotional and physical pain?!?!? arghh!!! I can’t even imagine how I am living each day with all these, but I did and I am welcoming another year with a hope that everything will get better in 2009.

I guess, this is also the right time for me to thank those who never left me in my journey of a very tough life.

Thanks to:

Ate Judy–my second mom.she made me feel loved  despite our distance, she has really helped and encourage me a lot. We cried together over the phone, we laughed, we wished that we’ll see each other during those times I felt I needed her by my side, she prayed for me and always wished that she can share the pain with me. Isn’t so comforting that you know that there is one person out there who cares for you like her own daugheter? I appreciate all the things she has done for me. She understood me in my not-so-good mood.  I will always be thankful for her life…I am so blessed with her life.

Auntie Von-my ever-patient aunt…she took care of me and loved me even in my worst moods. She sacrificed a lot for me. She cried tons of tears during those times she thought I’m not gonna make it anymore. She has always understood my moods. She always wants the best for me…Thank God for her life.

Papa-he made me feel loved in his own li’l way. I love him!

Auntie Jen-I saw and heard her cry several times. She is not very expressive of how she feels but I know she was dying in pain during those times she thought I’m not gonna make it anymore.

Ate Magi-she was with me when I needed a hug to at least comfort me.

SCB Closest Friends (Toni, Cherry, Diane and Jo)- never a dull moment with them. They made me feel really loved and cared about.

Lesh-she was like a real sister to me. I never expected to see her cry hard when she saw me in pain. She never stopped praying for me,too.

Ate Reggie-my second mom’s friend. I never met her personally but she never stopped praying for me. I thank God for her life,too.

…and of course…

MAMA-she was not with me physically when I was going through a hard time but I know that all these times, she is watching over me. I miss her so much. I can’t explain the longing I feel whenever I get a thought of her. I love her so much and I can’t wait to be reunited with her.

It’s almost 6pm and I just woke up. Katamad kong bumangon, just woke up to eat a sandwich so I can drink my meds. I slept almost the whole day, woke up several times though to text and answer some chat messages. I guess I got really exhausted and excited during the Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Hindi na ata ako sanay kumikilos.

I feel so loved and blessed….

The Gifts I Received:

PINK  LG VIEWTY PHONE from Auntie Von

SURPRISE THANKSGIVING PARTY @ SEUOL GARDEN with FRIENDS from Papa (organized by Toni and Auntie Von)

WHITE GOLD BRACELET from Kuya

DESIGNS and COMFORT Sandalas from Toni

DIARY from Macky

TOWEL CAKE from Cherry

PINK MICKEY TUMBLER from Lesh

SILVER HEART and DOLPHIN NECKLACE from Farrah

BIG CADBURY CHOCOLATE from Jo

I wanted a Jean Perry Polyester Bolster…I’m gonna buy one for myself pag kaya ko na lumabas. I saw one 5 months ago,it was on sale at $25… (around 800 PHP)…(ang mahal)…

I miss Carmela,I  miss Glai, Glenn, Guila and Gerome…I miss my Ate Judy….I miss mama…..

I am feeling sleepy again…2 hours pa lang akong gising…

Yeah, I am finally home…our new place is very lovely…I can’t begin to describe how lovely it is. It’s very expensive though but it is still worth it.  I love the pool. I love the place…

It is a 2-room condo (plus one entertainment room)…I am sharing the Master’s Bedroom with Toni and Medy Ann( her sister).  I really love my new place.

I woke up with tears in my eyes, though. I was reminded of mama. I miss her so much and I really can’t explain the longing I feel. I miss her so much….

I don’t know how to celebrate Christmas…It’s hard to really be away from the persons you love most! <SIGH>

I suddenly felt a gaping hole in my chest…I am missing mama so much. I can’t explain the longing I feel at the very moment. My first Christmas without mama…and I can’t begin to imagine how I’d spend Christmas.

Maybe, I will really try to be happy then.

Just wondering who’d first call me at exactly 12 midnight tomorrow to greet me a Merry Christmas…! Does it matter though who greets me first? Yeah, it does…

I received an Advance Christmas gift from a special friend– a bracelet with 2 hearts and a diamond init. Isn’t he so thoughtful?

I can’t wait to be home this afternoon…At last, I had a clearance from my doctors. I will be going back though next week for series of tests and etc…Hmmnnn.Christmas Break from the hospital? Hehehe.

I really can’t wait to be home. My housemate- Toni said I will love the place….

Life has been really unfair for this whole year…I can’t begin to imagine how unfair life can be…There were times when I’d wish that I don’t wake up anymore the next morning. I feel so tired…Can you ever imagine yourself going through both physical and emotional torture?!?! It sucks, right?!?!?

I’ve suffered too much physically…I’ve gone through a lot and honestly, there were times when I’d want to scream and end my own life. I know, just a mere thought of it is a sin, but I can’t help! I am but just human…I get tired—really tired!

I’ve lost important people in my life. People I have drawn strength from. People I love so dearly…and I hope I am not losing another important person in my life….

Sometimes, I’d ask Him over and over again why He has to take my mom when He knows this is the time I needed her most. Isn’t really so unfair? He took Brian away from me–I built dreams with him. I wished to spend the rest of my life and enjoyed every single moment with him, but with just a wink of an eye, everything has changed. He’s gone…and never will I see him again.  Just when I thought life is getting better when I met this person whom I have learned to love despite the odds, complications came along the way and yes, I have to accept that it will never be “US”…it can never be “US”. I have suffered so much with the pain. I tried to fight for it but I can’t fight for something that’s even not pleasing to God’s eyes because i know, in the end, I will find myself as a LOSER.

When you can’t seem to find the right words to comfort a person, just the thought that you remembered him / her  is more than enough. It is such a comfort to know that you are being thought about. There are no  right words to comfort a person…it is the thought that matters.

I am missing a lot of people. I miss my Carmela so much….I am not looking forward to Christmas. I want be feel better. I want to go home for Christmas. I don’t want to spend Christmas here in the hospital….

Endless Battles Of Life